A cardboard belt is…
a waist of paper
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.
For Hispanic attacks
I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
My daughter just looked at me funny when I farted next to her on the couch. She said it sounded like a duck. I replied with "Obviously, it came from my buttquack."
One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says… Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Well, I'm not going to spread it.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
Because then it'll become a cobra.
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A guy in the back replies You don’t have enough bullets
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
A lot of conditioning
So we can die in peace.
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
It's called 'Facebook'
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm. Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
you could say you are… Independant
The librarian says "Fuck off! You're not gonna bring it back!"
Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet. After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the father is sitting in the seat next to him. Finally he can’t hold it in anymore and a loud fart erupts in the room. The father looks over and sternly says, “Max!” The young man realizes the father thinks it was the dog who farted. Delighted, he feels another fart coming on. This time he lets it out and again the audible sound fills the room. “Max!” Shouts the father this time. The young man can’t be happier, he’s farting as much as he needs and the father thinks it’s their dog. Eventually he feels a third fart coming on. Without flinching the young man passes his gas again. “Max! Shouts the father. “Get over here before that boy shits all over you!”
That's a wrap
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.