A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.
I thought, fuck me, I might win this
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O
Just got married, the wedding was so beautiful and emotional!
Even the cake was in tiers!
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts. This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
What do boobs and the sun have in common?
You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses
I’m selling a TV for $1, but it’s broken and it’s stuck on the highest volume.
That's a deal you can't turn down.
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date…
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, confirming that it could arrive at their position in approximately two weeks. The old vet sighed and shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. The young soldier scoffed. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
This week I’m hosting a charity event for men who can’t ejaculate.
If you can’t come let me know.
Shockly shocks users into self-improvement. Homeroom Homies beloved jails will be the new college. Introducing Special Situations, the first blog focusing on entrepreneurs in post-moral markets.
Special Situations explores nascent opportunities in markets defined by post-moral dynamics. A market is “post-moral” if participants claim to be agnostic about how I’m their products or used, or the consequences of their use, but rely on the product to be used immorally to profit.Each post interviews a founder operating in a post-moral space.Our first interview was with Preston Everblue, founder of Homeroom Homies, who believes prison will be the new college.Homeroom HomiesOur first interview was with Sarah Dermer, founder of Shockly, who believes calibrated shocks delivered through special glasses can encourage self-improvement — within bounds agreed to be corporate partners. ShocklyPlease sign up! [special situations ](specialsituations.substack.com)If you don’t like emails, follow me, Chad Lin, on Twitter @thechadlin.
I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”
I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..
https://ift.tt/34eN8fL
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
Me: You made a mean cup of coffee!
Her: So, you like it? Me: I just told you it was average.
![R.I.P big guy! [Not Humour]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/gbqvzq1mkzh41-400x463.jpg)
Husband to wife. ”Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm.”
Wife, “I don’t like calling you at work.”
My bald surgeon friend is the most charismatic guy I know.
He is a real smooth operator.
I have to tell someone about this because I’m at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they’re to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!…..IT WAS TRIX!