A cheesecake
I tripped over my wife’s bra….
…It seemed to be a booby trap.
Later at the trial: I object that HE interrupted me when I was watching Ow My Balls!
Later at the trial: I object that HE interrupted me when I was watching Ow My Balls!
What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?
You get NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!
[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me…
Groom: After me.. Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious? Bride: No, his name is Mike.
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" “Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
Trumpets and Guns
n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
Did you hear..
About the snake that fell down on a drum? Ba-dum tsss
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Why did the mechanic sleep under the car?
He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, “What is this, father?” The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.” While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
[OC] Why shouldn’t you mention hair or skin while wearing deodorant?
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
A clean joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Welcome to /r/CleanJokes! I don’t think I’ve seen you here before.”
Clean joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
What do you call a T-rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer!
I’m not sure if I like toast.
On the upside, it’s buttered. But on the downside, it’s not.
Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
I don’t like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.
It's almost up to 5 TB.
A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest,
“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.” The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?” The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.” The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?” The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”
Viagra shipment stolen.
Cop looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
Whoever coined the phrase “dad-bod” missed a golden opportunity…
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
What do you call a fake turd?
A shampoo
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
Bilbo Baggins suddenly woke up to “Don’t stop Believing.”
It was an unexpected Journey.