A child’s laughter is the best thing you can hear.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
Why couldn’t the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
HELP MY HATS ARE STUCK
MY CAPS LOCKED
What’s the difference between Constipation and Diarrhea?
Constipation is when your body does not give a shit. Diarrhea is when your body cannot get it's shit together.
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
If a blind girl says you have a big penis.
She’s probably just pulling your leg.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
My dad decided to name his new truck “Stormtrooper”…
That way he doesn't hit anything
Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
I want to live my next life backwards
You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous iykwim. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then… You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, and then… You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
What do you mean June is over?
Julying…
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?” She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.” Surprised, Guido reached for her and the fucking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. It finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?” Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.” Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish?? Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear… “No, I Norwegian.”
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Bartender asks a man “You ever had ann orange in your beer?”
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
I’m reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
Ever tried blind archery?
You don't know what you are missing.
Due to the Covid-19 Quarantine…..
I’ll only be making inside jokes.
What is it called when your parachute doesn’t open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
I finally figured out why the air mattress thought it was better than all the other regular mattresses
Turns out, it had an inflated ego
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t know I existed…
West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.
Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.
She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl. So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor. At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.