One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, “it’s going to rain”
His wife asked, "how do you know?“ "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
I hate it when my wife says “Are you listening to me?!”
Such a random way to start a conversation.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
I told my son I was named after Stephen Hawking
Son: “But dad, your name is John.” Me: “I know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking.”
How does moses make his coffee
Hebrews it
Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar…
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.
It's called "wedding cake."
Guys my calendar is really sick..
I think its days are numbered.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Life is like a penis,
it’s the women that make it hard
I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.
It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes
I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.
It’s all the rage.
My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.
Grandma's taking it pretty hard.
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
Started a new job recently and my fiance asked me if there was a gym in my building…
I said, not sure I haven't met everyone yet. She was not amused.
So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god’s waiting to review his life.
God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion…. you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" Johnny replied, " You see God, but that's just it, you fell right into my trap! You know I believed in you, which meant you knew, that I knew you were always watching! Yet you continued to watch my incest porn, time and time and again! So I ask you! What the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" God replied " Damn you're good"
My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2
He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.
Why is deadpools house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall
I love how earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”
Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
A vegan once said to me, people who sell meat to eat are disgusting….
I replied, people who sell fruit and vegetables to eat are grocer
My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.
Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
My coworker went to HR and filed a complaint against me after I praised her butt.
Say what you want, harassment something to me.
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner