A Cockroach’s last words to a man
What did the farmer say to the cows at night? ๐
Itโs pasture bedtime.
What does an elf have for his birthday?
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
What makes a good tongue twister?
Well, itโs hard to say.
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!
For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me
I was like, "What the Hellmann?"
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
This joke has me dead.
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
A doctor says “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire. Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!
If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he could just sip on a soda.
Then he'd have a full orca straw.
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
How do you cut the ocean in half?… you use a sea saw
You use a sea saw!
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help. Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply: "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
Two artists had an art contest. How did it end?
It ended in a draw.
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,
all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hourโs examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, โI agree, but under four conditions.โ The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, โAnd what are the four conditions?โ The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, โFirst, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.โ After another long pause a voice arose and asked, โAnd the fourth condition?โ The Pope replied, โBig tits.โ
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
I’m hosting a charity event for people who can’t orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come
Did you know trees can do math?
They're quite good at twigonometree.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on amazon.
I will let you know.
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
What did the painter do when it got cold…
He put on another coat
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didnโt spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
a book just fell on my head…
i've only got my shelf to blame….
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
I just heard that Kim Jong-Un is sick
Guess that makes him Kim Jong-Ill now.
People tend to get shocked…
When they find out I'm a really bad electrician.
It shouldn’t be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump
It's always darkest before Don
What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?
A redneck. What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe? Your Majesty.
Ah yes… because boomers were the only ones that got injured from playing outside. ๐
https://ift.tt/340rTxe
What concert costs $0.45?
A 50 cent and nickelback concert.
If male cows ate one another instead of hay…
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
Why can’t a nose be longer than 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
