A Cockroach’s last words to a man
A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
My dad sent this to me this morning. He sends shit like this all the time unironically
https://ift.tt/2Xk88k7
For some reason I want Palword to make a lot of profit.
For some reason I want Palword to make a lot of profit.
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But no, it only made him more sluggish.
Later at the trial: I object that HE interrupted me when I was watching Ow My Balls!
Later at the trial: I object that HE interrupted me when I was watching Ow My Balls!
Radish means slightly Awesome in 90’s vernacular
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My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
Bilbo Baggins woke up suddenly to “Don’t stop believing!”
It was an unexpected Journey.
How does bread say hello?
Glutentag
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
I named my dog insane.
So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister.
What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
I created a graph explaining all my past relationships
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
People say that being a hostage is hard, but I don’t agree.
I can do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
https://ift.tt/3dek1hh
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
What do you call a wandering nun?
A "roamin" Catholic.
Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex…
But then I realize I’m better than that.