A comic about friends
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
What do you call hiking trails around an asylum?
Psychopaths
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people
Now I am at the hospital.
Do you know I tell dad jokes?
He even laughs sometimes.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
My wife is really annoyed at my sense of direction.
So i packed up my things and right
What is SpongeBob’s least desirable personality trait?
He’s too self absorbed.
A man is asking a farmer about his two cows
Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day? Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man: And the black one? Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them? Farmer: Which one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: She eats grass. Man: And the black one? Farmer: She eats grass, too. Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same? Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine. Man: Oh, and the black one? Farmer: It’s mine, too.
If I had a Delorean
I would probably only drive it from time to time
I think I suffer from Kleptomania
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold. Edit: ARRRR! Me farst gold! Much love me matey!
Dr. Geezer
An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.” Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to win $1000. He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and says, “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Aaagh! This is gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young gets annoyed and returns a couple of days later with another plan to recover his money. He enters the clinic and says, “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your memory back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young, angry after losing $1000, comes back after several more days. He enters the clinic and says, “My eyesight has become weak, I cannot see anything!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1000 back,” and hands Dr. Young a $10 bill. Dr. Young quickly yells, “Hey, this is only $10!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your vision back, that will be $500.”
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
But you do need one to go skydiving twice
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
A man dies and goes to Hell…
Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis. One day, the man comes up with his darkest, most ingenious torture ever. However, it requires removing all light from Hell. He goes over his idea with one of the demons. "I like it, I like it!" says the Demon. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." So they go to this giant gilded door, walk in, and see a large, horned devil standing inside. Intimidated, the man starts squirming and asks, "Who is that?" "That's Beelzebub, one of the seven princes of Hell." They explain their plan to Beelzebub. "I like it, I like it!" says Beelzebub. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." The man, the demon, and Beelzebub all go to a magnificent castle. Inside, on a chair, is an enormous horned devil more fearsome than Beelzebub. Even Beelzebub looks intimidated. "Who is that?" whispers the man. "That's Satan himself!" replies the demon. They explain their plan to Satan. "I like it, I like it!" says Satan. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." The man, the demon, Beelzebub, and Satan all approach this magnificent stone spire, climb up it, blow a horn, and down comes a rather unassuming-looking office worker in a button-down shirt. Satan starts looking intimidated by his evilness. "Who's that?" whispers the hellbound man. "That's the guy who made Reddit's 'Promoted' ad content now appear three or five posts down the subs' feeds rather than in a banner at the top."
A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini
The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?" The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with…
Do you want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
A dad-a-base
What did the officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return