a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. …
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What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started counting, “Uno, Dos…”
But then he disappeared without a Tres….
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
What do snowmen call their kids?
Chill-dren
My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Until I got kicked out of the library
I got a job as a bullet
But I was immediately fired.
Knowing that she will have more money than any of us will have in a life time.
https://ift.tt/2QbPKEP
Pilot is welcoming the passengers on the plane
Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is… " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,…It's burning.. This is going to hurt… It's burning." A ghostly silence reigned in cabin. After a couple of minutes, he gets back on the microphone, talking to the passengers, "I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap… you should see my pants." One passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS!"
Why do fish always sing off key ?
You can’t tuna fish
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
A rope walks into a saloon
Before he can even order a drink the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind 'round here" and throws him out. The rope goes around the corner into an alley, takes out a knife, slices up one of his ends, and wraps himself up like a pretzel. Then he waddles back into the saloon and orders a drink. The bartender stops and looks at him closely then says, "Aren't you that piece of rope I just threw out of here?" The piece of rope puts on his toughest face and in his deepest voice he answers, "Nope. Frayed Knot."
Why did Juan take Xanax
For hispanic attacks
I was so late to the cannibal banquet
They just gave me a cold shoulder
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving?
It scares the dog.
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
What do antioxidants and dictators have in common?
They both eliminate free radicals.
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was a coughee cake.