A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.
He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.
“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”
The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,
“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”
The country boy replies,
“My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
Why does KFC not have toilet paper?
It's finger licking good
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder”…
Came up with any other phrases. Edit: Thank you for the silver
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.
The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was. They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country. They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?" "How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"
Why can’t Russia have a female president?
Because Putin is not a woman.
My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.
I think it's just a stage he's going through.
A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, “Giraffe, don’t smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest.”
The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr sheep, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest." The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing, and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr tiger, don't drink beer. Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest." The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit, and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw, and starts mauling the shit out of this rabbit! The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they say, "Dude, what the fuck? He was just trying to help you!" The tiger turns to them and say, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Do you know why I don’t do threesomes?
Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
My wife phoned me while away.
"How's the baby?" she asked. "Have you changed her nappy today?" I said, "No, I haven't changed it all week, in fact." "What? Why the hell have you not changed our baby's nappy? It's been five days!!!" I said, "Because it says 4-6 months on the packet."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is “It,” closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Saw an ad for a DeLorean with low milage…
…said it was only used from time to time.
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
What does a lawyer wear to court
A lawsuit
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
Time flies when you’re throwing watches…
No text found
I had a hen who could count her own eggs
She was a mathamachicken
Day 173 without sex
Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious – I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!" Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant…" Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
I have a Himalayan friend that told me he was going to the protests today…
… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
I took the rear view mirror out of my car
i haven't looked back since
In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.
And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit. He's the Chip Monk.
What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
What do you call a Chinese Disease?
Kung Flu.