A couple goes to a sex therapist..
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
Strange way to start a conversation….
He says he can't complain.
For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he’s been spat at, verbally abused, and punched…
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
Then it hit me.
Because they're always spotted.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand. It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting. 'So… you've been out drinking again!' 'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame. 'The pub called– you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile
When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration. “What’s a licence” she asks So the cop explains what a licence is. The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop. “I also need to registration” reminds the cop “What’s a registration” she asks So the cop explains what a registration is to her. “I have one of those” she says as she grabs it and hands it over. So the cop takes the licence and registration back to his car to write up the ticket. As he’s writing up the ticket he tells his partner how dumb this blonde is. His partner thinks a minute and says “when you take the ticket to her, give her everything then drop your pants to see what her reaction is.” So the cop finishes writing up the ticket and heads back to the blonde. He hands her her licence, registration and the ticket then drops his pants. The blonde looks confused for a second then her face falls, “oh no, not another breathalyzer test”
Because without that, what else is there to destroy?
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
Well, I could use a light snack.
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things. The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?" The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!" The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender." So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender. "Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says. "I do." The bartender gurgles back. "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks. "Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!" The astronaut is on the edge of his seat… "The reason it's called the Keyboard is because… it's a space bar."
He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
They always take things literally.
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
It’s his altar ego.
A wide supremacist.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
v Sorry, I think my ctrl key is broken.
Cos 0 = 1
Because it wooden go.
Holding cows together