A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He would come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He would come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.
If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive..
.. they would eventually find me attractive
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
My uncle posted this on FB with the caption “We could all learn from this guy”
https://ift.tt/2Udc17o
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
Social Distancing Pickup Lines
If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me? Can't spell virus without U and I. Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin. I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there. Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink? Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T. credit: some facebook post i saw.
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
Urine trouble.
A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
A dad was washing his car with his son.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
I got fired from the sperm bank
I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances.
I said: "There's the door."
What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?
A fizzicision
Pushups are the best form of exercise.
Hands down.
Damn girl, are you a toaster?
Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.
My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous…
I’ve never met herbivore.
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
Did you hear about the recent race to send a cow to space?
The steaks will be higher than ever
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who hated negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
I really need to cut my fingernails,
they’re getting out of hand..
Very few people know about the first ever female vegan
Nobody has heard of herbivore
I’ve been asked out by 20 women today…
I was in the ladies bathroom.
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.