A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
โIt hasn't affected my brothers though."
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
What is the difference between two lions surrounded by crops and the part of a person’s arm extending from the elbow to the wrist?
One's a forearm. The other's a roar farm.
When my wife was in labour, I tried to distract her by telling terrible jokes, but it didnโt work.
It must have been the delivery.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Which Disney Park ride has the most area for people to wait?
Space Mountain.
Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*
Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself Sister-in-law: crying is this why you wanted an open casket
If life gives you melons,
You might be dyslexic
A friend of mine said to me the other day “What rhymes with Orange?”
I said "No it doesn't."
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven….
He asks God, "How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve." God doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".
We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
Republicans must be flipping their shit over this blatant nepotism within our government!
https://ift.tt/37vjKDx
me: i lost my gun
friend: aw shoot me: i cant
Whoโs the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isnโt there?
The hip replacement guy
Quick Question Guys. Is it “for fucks sake” or “for fuck sake”?
It's for a work email so it needs to sound professional.
Iโm sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but Iโm sticking to my guns
A cop pulls a guy over..
Goes up to the drivers window, says โlicense and registration please.โ Guy says โhere is my registration, Iโm sorry but I donโt have my license on me.โ The officer, in a good mood replies, โthatโs okay, whatโs your name I can look you up in our systemโ โNickโ โNick… what?โ โNick nothing, just nick.โ Cop says โokay Iโm trying to be nice, donโt fuck with me. Explain.โ Guy replies โ Well I was born Nicholas Johnson. Everyone always called me Nick Johnson. I went to medical school, became a doctor. So then my name was Nick Johnson M.D. โ โOne night in Vegas I was with a hooker, she unfortunately gave me VD. When I got back home they called me Nick Johnson M.D. with VD. Somehow one of my patients got infected so they took away my medical license so then my friends called me Nick Johnson with VD. โThen the VD took my Johnson so now Iโm just Nickโ
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didnโt do anything at all
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because today they got into a fight, and 2021! Happy new year yโall!
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
โRabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, heโs decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?โ The rabbi strokes his beard and says, โFunny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.โ โWhat did you do?โ asked the man of the rabbi. โI turned to God for the answer,โ replied the rabbi. โWhat did he say?โ asked the man. He said, โFunny you should come to me…โ
Knock Knock
Whoโs there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollinโ they hatinโ
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It's still fowl language
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?