A dad was washing his car with his son.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
TB or not TB
Happy Anniversary to the south.
*Wife pregnant* Nurse: “I’m gonna deliver the Baby”
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Do NOT be fooled guys!
Being a programmer is easy!!
Tryin’ to keep with the times
WhY cAn’T yOu PrOtEsT pEaCeFuLlY as if no one had tried that
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down
A man walks in to a bar and says “I’ll have a rum and coke.”
The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees. The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"
Play it away
Please, let me watch Food Network in peace
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. “Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!” He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.” The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!” All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!” The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead reach the steps to heaven, when they meet God.
As they are about to start climbing the 100 steps to heaven, God says, "Wait!" "At every step I will tell you a joke, if you don't laugh, you can go to heaven." The girls agree, and start climbing. On the 27th step, the redhead starts laughing, and disappears. On the 77th step, the brunette can't hold in her laughter, and disappears. On the 99th step, the blonde begins to laugh. Before making her disappear, God asks, "You were so close, why would you start laughing." To which the blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."
I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?
It was about a weak back.
What would you do?
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay…
They arrested me.
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.
‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.
Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.
I’m not fucking lying.
There is no cloud
Yea we’re all good then
“Your home early!!”
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
Republicans: 🤷🏼♂️ “let them eat cake”
Pee in the pool
A Viking named Rudolph the Red looks outside, then tells his wife “It’s going to rain”…
Wife asks "Why do you think that?" He replies "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear…" (Not mine, my dad found it somewhere and was very proud of making the family groan…)
In a nutshell
The GOP & tRump in one panel
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?
Walking JK, Rolling
Haha sex noise
But that inflation rate doe…
An ancient Dad joke
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
I lost my job at the quarry…
I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom…
Easy solution and we can keep on infinitely increasing standards of living
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
Waist of time.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Whats you father’s occupation?
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."
I’m a vitamin z guy
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
e ≈ 3 ≈ π. hence, e = π
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
We don’t want to make the numbers go up
I AM ROOT
“I code in html and css”
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have – about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course the man said – "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "…this goes even higher than I thought…"
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
A man dies and goes to hell.
Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one. At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.
I got a bar installed into my roof.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
If you accidentally put salt instead of sugar in your tea…
It just becomes saltea.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
Found this gem
Purely hypothetical, but that sounds about right
Tractor big lol
I wasn’t sure if I should post this here, because it’s only funny under certain circumstances
certain circumstances funny
Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
Which Witcher knows the answers to all questions?
Geralt of Trivia
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
Here’s the thing about cliff hangers
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