A date site for witches is known for its members’ relationships moving too fast, and most of them ultimately break up.
Don't mount your Wiccans before they're matched.
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.
Shout out to my GPS
I don't know where I'd be without it
What do you call a stupid fish?
A dumBass
Ever hear the one about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well Well Well
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's different to the other jokes.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
When I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson, he looked quizzically at me and said, “But your name is Brian…”
I exclaimed, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson!"
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
A German got pulled over by the Police in France.
Police Officer: Name? German: Heinrich Klimt Police officer: Age? German: 32 Police Officer: Occupation? German: No, no. Just visiting.
If two vegans get in a fight,
is it still considered a beef?
You know your uncle went to WWII with a toy gun
He had nerfs of steel
My son asks me, “What does gay mean?”
Me: "It means 'happy," Son: "Oh, so are you gay, then?" Me: "No, son, I have a wife."
I love my girlfriend Arial.
I'm quite font of her.
My band is called 999 megabytes. We don’t have any gigs.
No text found
I told my wife to shave her pussy
and I woke up bald
A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..
The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."
What do cops say when they have sex?
Stop resisting!
Why are dogs afraid to go to space?
Because of the vacuum
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
A man was naked on the beach
He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts. A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat” He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself” EDIT: Y’all so sensitive if the genders were reversed you would say the guy is harassing the girl
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?" Doctor: "You pick the name"
I mean, to be frank
I'd have to change my name
A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies…
“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr. “I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man. “Have you tried birth control?” “I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!” “Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?” “I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!” Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, “well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?” “I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!”
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
