A date which will live in infamy…
Wanted: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!
Out here in Virginia protecting my potatoes just like President Trump said 🥔🥔🥔
https://ift.tt/2XkWCUf
What turns “No, no, no” into “Mmmmmmm”?
Duct tape.
I went to my local tobacconist to discover that it has been replaced by a clothing store…
Clothes, but no cigar.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a man with a book?
He was sentenced to death
A man asks another man to lend him $10 until next pay day. The second man says “sure, here you go. when’s next pay day?”
“I don’t know, you’re the one with a job”
So I said to Arnie: “Where did you get those toilet rolls?”
He said: "Aisle B, Back."
A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside
She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free." The farmer agrees. The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet. As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?"
Walking is just teleportation…
but with extra steps!
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
There rabbit takes a look around the joint and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
Spelling An L
Is down-right easy
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
The nicest thing you could ever do for someone is define the word “bargain”.
It means a great deal.
Where are all these great dad jokes stored?
The dadabase
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesn’t.
A Man Was Driving Down the Road & Ran out of PETROL…
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. “What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee. “I’m out of petrol,” the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. ”Try it now,” said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. “Wow,” the man exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank?” “BP,” answered the bee.
We should use Hillary Clinton’s emails to build a wall
Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot (i posted this to r/cleanjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.
https://ift.tt/2MoevNG
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What did you learn at school today?
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
My pen stopped working, so I tried to make an eleven.
Apparently two ones don’t make it write.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings…
I have a complex complex complex…