A deaf accountant works for the mafia.
One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.
"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars missing, boss wants to know where it is."
Deaf man signs over to the translator, "What? I have no idea what he's talking about."
Translator says to the boss, "Boss, he says he doesn't know what you're talking about".
Boss says to the translator "I'm gonna ask one more time. Where is the money?"
Translator says to the deaf accountant, "He's asking one more time, where's the money?"
Deaf man reiterates to the translator through sign, "Seriously, I don't know what he's talking about!"
Translator says to the Boss, "He says he seriously doesn't know what you're talking about."
The boss is now infuriated. He slams his fist down on the table, and points a gun to the accountants head. He tells the translator, "TELL THIS MOTHER FUCKER I WILL BLOW HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THIS DESK IF HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE MONEY IS RIGHT FUCKING NOW"
Translator signs to the accountant "Ok he's dead serious. You better tell him where the money is, or he's going to kill you right here."
Accountant signs to the translator, "OK! OK! I'll tell you! I hid it in a briefcase underneath my deck!"
Mafia Boss asks, "Well, what did he say?!"
Translator says, "He said go fuck yourself."
NSFW What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive? Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
Trump congratulates state of Kansas after Chiefs win Super Bowl but they play in Missouri
https://ift.tt/38ZLyQv
Do you know what the best way to build suspense is?
No text found
Just been fired as an interrogator
I suppose I should have asked why
Just so everybody’s clear…
I'm going to put my glasses on..
At school I was always really successful at spelling bees
Other words I found much harder
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My girlfriend told me I need to stop acting like a flamingo..
That's when I had to put my foot down.
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf…
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
My 77 year old dad said this last night
So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
I wasn’t the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!
Has anyone ever had a glass snake as a pet?
I had one once, it was a real pane in the grass to catch though…
Customer: I have a question about the menu please.
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?
A punchline…
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
An investi-gator
What’s the definition of a reverse exorcism?
It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy
The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.
The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end." The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t you smuggle me in your bushy tail to the lion's party?" The Fox: "Are you crazy, if the lion gets it right, then i´ll be dead." Finally, the hamster asks the bear and he says, "No problem, I can smuggle you in my breast pocket." When the bear visits the party in the evening, the lion asks him: "I've heard that the hamster wants to be smuggled in to my party, you probably will not support him, will you?" The bear: "No, of course not!" The lion then says, "Then you certainly don´t mind emptying your breast pocket." The bear answers: "Sure, no problem, here's my purse, here's my bowl, here's my ID." Suddenly the bear hits the chest with full force. "And here's a picture of the hamster."
A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear
Ahh Migraines!