A defribilator almost never fails, when it did…
No One was shocked
I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.
The parrot was cool, though. Originally an Anthony Jeselnik joke
Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.
A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum".
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
I love jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?
One. They are efficient but not funny.
What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?
Mourning wood.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
My sister called my dad today to ask if there’s any history of glaucoma on his side of the family.
My dad: “None that I’ve seen!”
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, your pizza will be round.”
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s 3:30 in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp
I just wrote an article trying to compare different versions of The Bible.
There was a lot of Cross referencing.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party
That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I know the whole truth.
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
Two engineering students were walking across campus…
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike." The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it
Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks…
Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.
I wish I had the sexual power of snow.
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism!
We cannot allow this year to end
That would be admitting that 2021
Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?
Because it has no home button.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings…
I have a complex complex complex…
In order to improve higher education…
We must build taller schools
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
What’s the difference between the worst political party and my penis?
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
