A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend.
When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
Well, that’s the plan, anyways
Despite having a huge fan base.
Happy Father's Day!
The American teenage girl gets stoned before sex.
She said: "They're right behind you."
Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!…. That's when I thought "Fucking hell there's something wrong here"
It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job
It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
It was too main stream
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Looking sharp looking fresh, 10 out of 10 would smash!
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doc: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you! Woman: Oh god no, not my brother. He is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doc: Denise. Woman: Well, that is not so bad. What did he call the boy? Doc: Denephew.
on a plane.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.
It’s not a beautiful poem but it is deep
I thought it was a nice jester
Ten tickles…. I’m not sorry.
but none of them seem to work.
He went to the retail store
They keep moving around.
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
The odds were against me
Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.
Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were three days
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up … you're next!"
They pay for our sins.