A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?
Dog: Bark
Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?
Dog: Ruff
Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?
Dog: With the ladder
How do crazy people get through the woods?
They take the psycho path.
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
When I turned into a teenager, my dad repeatedly emphasized the importance of using a condom whenever I have sex.
He said, “Anyone who would sleep with you would sleep with almost anyone else.”
A man sees an extremely busty woman walking by…
He says, "Hey, will you let me bite those big ol boobies of yours for $1,000?" Christmas was coming and decided she could use the extra cash, so she agrees. The two walk around the corner and the woman strips off her shirt and bra, exposing two of the best boobies the guy had ever seen. The guy dives right in, motorboating them like he's the captain of a ship and sucking and licking every square inch of em. About 10 minutes go by, and the somewhat frustrated lady says "Well are you gonna bite em?" The guy replies "No, because then I'd have to give you $1,000."
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting…..
….He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over
I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their guidedogs.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
What has 15 eyes, 15 hands, and 15 feet?
15 pirates.
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out. Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it? Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
My girlfriend said she didn’t think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating
But I managed to pull it off.
My dad’s boomer friend just posted this. Wife bad. Must kill. Then maybe grill.
https://ift.tt/2KJT4VX
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
A rope walks into a saloon
Before he can even order a drink the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind 'round here" and throws him out. The rope goes around the corner into an alley, takes out a knife, slices up one of his ends, and wraps himself up like a pretzel. Then he waddles back into the saloon and orders a drink. The bartender stops and looks at him closely then says, "Aren't you that piece of rope I just threw out of here?" The piece of rope puts on his toughest face and in his deepest voice he answers, "Nope. Frayed Knot."
God made a pie and called it Earth.
He needed to cool the crust, so he put it on the mantle.
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.
The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways. All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought he was dead. The man replies: "I was, but after two jumpstarts and a blood transfusion I feel fucking great.
A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.
I saw two women exercising today.
They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"
Did you know the population of Ireland is growing at a faster rate than any other country in the world?
It’s capital has been Dublin every year.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women