A Donald Trump Joke
Disclaimer! I did not write this joke, I merely found it on the internet and wanted to share it to everyone. Please comment down the original owner if you know who it is, because he deserves all the credits.
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
A man is fired from his job at the pickle factory NSFW
A man comes home from his job at the pickle factory. “Honey, I got fired today for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.” Wife: “My God! What’s happened?” Husband: “She got fired too”
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
The punchline comes first
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
My tailor really likes fixing my clothes
Or sew it seams
My buddy drowned the other day
I placed a life jacket in his coffin It's what he would've wanted
You: Bastard
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
Wife offered me water, I asked for something harder
She gave me ice
What did the police officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
What did the llama say when he was getting evicted?
“I guess alpaca my bags.”
I read a lengthy article about Japanese sword fighters
It's okay I can Samurais it for you.
What’s a decent Asian stereotype?
I like Sony and Yamaha.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side. Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you! Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!
If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test…
I'd have $6.30 right now
I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I managed to cover my tracks.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says "Hey!" Then the horse replies "Sounds good!"
My christmas plant has lost it’s leaves,
now it's a disapointsettia.
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
I got thrown out of math class today.
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer…
A joke from my daughter: Where does a tongue go to drop off its old clothes?
The Salivation Army
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
I didn’t know the local railroad workers were good at singing
But I heard they were recently working on a new track
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock
That's humerus.
Have you heard of that new band 1023MB?
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
My pen stopped working, so I tried to make an eleven.
Apparently two ones don’t make it write.
I have so many jokes about Unemployed people
But sadly none of them work.
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
What is Gordan Ramseys favorite disney movie?
Its fucking FROZEN!
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.
I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.
‘Our love withstands our flaws, imperfections & shortcomings’
‘Our love withstands our flaws, imperfections & shortcomings’
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.
Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money…
So I got out of bed to look with him…
I’ll never forget my dogs last words…
“You took too much acid.”