A double homicide
Because there was no host for the Oscars. Huh? Huh? I'll show myself out.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
But I'm a grandfather.
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
She asked me to move out with her.
I said I'd tell him later
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside. 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"
We just clicked.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
One got pissed off.
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
They formed an alloy-ence
Because they can take down the whole world with one bat.
Because their horns don’t work!
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us… “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.
Because of the coffin.
They jacques off
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
I told her, “Just you wait.”
It becomes a shooting star.
So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.
It was a hard drive.
But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.
An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them. His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?” He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.” Friend: “Okay, that’s weird…But what happened when you met them after a week?” He says: “First girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.” “Second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.” “Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.” Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??” The guy said “I am marrying the one with the biggest boobs”.