A double homicide
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
They have deep sedimental value to me.
We get it man she’s underage
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
I was in the ladies bathroom.
It’s because his legs are little
I’m going to put my glasses on…
Just dont put it your back pocket.
Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.
Most Americans don't get it.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
My friends are worried, but i will be 0K
Me: Technically I can’t.
Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now!!
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I replied "I think it's gonna be a long, long time"
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
I didn’t know she had a history with Violins.
He said, "Thank you." I said, "Don't mention it."
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
That sail has shipped.
It had a bison.
Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
He already has a million degrees
We should hang out sometime.
That shows how toxic the media is.