A double whammy
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
Sometimes it happens
Make 2020 great and get rid of this moron …
[Laughs in Socialist]
When you want to know true terror
Real Journalism is under attack
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.
You have my Word.
As long as he’s happy
Can you please leave some RAM for other resources
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
[NSFW] A Lawyer Marries a Woman who has had 10 Divorces.
On their wedding night, she tells him, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was … Ohhh … God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away…
I don’t even touch it
Sympathy for scientists
When you forget how to stand in your flesh disguise and an Earthling gets suspicious.
I’m still in shock
python programmers can definitely relate to it
How do you send warships via email?
Stay calm and carry on… Contracting the virus.
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants. Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts. "The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced. The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life. Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches. "Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!" His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head. "If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?" Another head shake. " Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you." "I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily. "Who the hell pushed me?"
It’s funny to cheat on your wife.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.
It just ain't right turning your back on family.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right?
It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
The Cringe is strong here “Hey everyone! I’m a programmer and this is a programmer shirt!”
At least only you know it
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What’s the difference between light and hard?
I can fall asleep with a light on.
This is even worse than red theme
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
When I directly jumped into flutter..
And that has made all the difference
The First Family
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
Interviews are fun
Checkmate, AI devs
Common consensus BAD 😡
Nice new car son.. What’s that thing on the trunk?
No text found
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
Damn bro. das deep.
Code Compiled Successfully!
Sudo kill me
please lower your levels
Texted my dad to figure out what we wanted to eat for dinner, and got this one
Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?" Him: "Eat, lol. You?"
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
It’s always a white guy too
What sound does a 747 airplane make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.
They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise. St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much will this cost us?" asked the husband. "Nothing," St. Peter responded. "This is Heaven- everything is free!" Next, he took them to the Championship golf course just minutes away from their mansion. They would have golfing privileges whenever they wanted, an angel as a caddy on command, and the course even changed daily to represent the most elite courses on Earth. "This is… stupendous," the wife asked. "What are the green fees?" Again, St. Peter said "Nothing. This is Heaven- everything is taken care of." Next, he took them to the equivalence of a five-star restaurant next to the course. Wagu beef, prime rib, lobster, veal, salmon, rare vegetables and spices- all one could eat. "How much-" "Again, free," St. Peter responded to the wife. "This is Heaven." The husband paused. "Well… this is all nice, but… do you have any low cholesterol, low-fat options…?" St. Peter chuckled. "In Heaven, you don't have to worry about Earthly problems. You will never get fat and you will never get sick." Suddenly, the husband grew angry, and screamed toward the sky. St. Peter and the man's wife tried calming him down, but he kept getting angrier. "What's the matter???" the wife asked. "Why aren't you happy here???" The man responded, "This is all YOUR fault!!! If it weren't for your fucking 'bran muffins' and 'paleo chicken' recipes, we would have been here 10 years ago!!!"
How many lemons grow on a tree?
All of them.
Peter and a genie walk into a bar
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Peter answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”
“Get it? The atheist loves Jesus!”
My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I’m so easily distracted!…
Ah well..back to it I suppose
Set Reminder For 2030
I don’t often tell dad jokes.
But when i do, he usually laughs
Its a collaboration thing
I say just let the testing happen in production ?
Horray for fusion
One of the best gift!
The mathematics of the universe is truly exquisite
Another Science Funny
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype. Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand… But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.
It hurt itself in it’s confusion
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
If only all political reporting could rhyme…..
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. -Emo Philips
NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.
His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet. The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem. Ecstatic, the parents agree. After a few hours of surgery, it was a success! The boy is fine now, he’s just a little cock-eyed.
this pussy coxblocked me
shuf go brrr
Well, you asked for a flying bird.
Does this count? My grandmother shared it on Facebook.