a double whammy – the double whammy comes from the ifunny watermark
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
My friend said she can put her legs behind her head
I told her it sounded like a bit of a stretch
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles
She said 'hardback?' So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
What happens when an artist can’t take criticism?
They take Poland, instead.
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie “up”
It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, “Just take your Up, vote and go.”
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired
Three guys die…
and Saint Peter stops them at the Golden Gates. He tells them, "Depending how faithful you were to your wife, depends what kind of car you drive across the Golden Bridge to heaven." First guy says, "I was married 10 years and only cheated three times." Saint Peter says, "That's ok I suppose, here take this older model pick-up truck." Second guy says, "I was married 15 years and only cheated once!" Saint Peter says, "Pretty great, here take this sports car." Third guy says, "I was married 40 years and never cheated on my wife." Saint Peter says, "Wow that's the best I've ever heard! Here, take this Golden Edition Rolls-Royce." The three guys start across the bridge and the Rolls takes off and leaves them. About half way across, the other two guys find the Rolls pulled over with his head on the steering wheel. They stop and walk over. First guy says, "Come on man, being dead isn't so bad." Second guy says, "Yeah, look what you're driving, and look what we're driving." Third guy says, "No guys, you don't get it, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.
I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
YOU’RE NOT MY REAL LADDER!
https://ift.tt/2OsA7YW
A male and a female martians swapped partners with an earth couple
The Martian male was fucking the earth female but she told him that his penis was too small so he pulled his left ear and his penis became longer then she told him that it's too thin so he pulled his right ear and his penis became wider and the earth female became very happy. The next night the earth female asked the earth male about his experience with the female martian so he said "yea it was fun but idk why she kept pulling my ears"
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by period.
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.