A drummer and her husband just had triplets. Their names?
Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.
The suspension is killing me.
The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
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Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
Thanks for the Baghdad
I have nobody to blame but myself.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
I told him no it doesn’t
And lowers it.
He says he can't complain.
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, “You know, people living in Denver can’t be buried there” and I look at him and ask him “Why?”
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
or we’d all be sorry
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.
Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it. While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
It'll come back to bite you.
Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Now it's your turn to speak.
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Because they are ICE-O-LATED
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
Great food, no atmosphere.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
Outlaws are wanted.
Because they’re shellfish
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don’t wear because they are out of fashion. She was cold, so I gave her the new birthday sweater you never wear because the colour doesn’t suit you. Her trousers had holes in them, so I gave her a pair of yours that don’t fit you any more. Then, as this poor girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use any more?” . . . So here we are!’
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."