A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…
…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”
I’m addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of the smell.
I love foreign axe scents.
The FBI isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is being attacked.
They now yell "Donald, duck!"
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
Dad jokes at the grocery store
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
“Wait!" I shouted. "I can change!"
Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?
It was a #2!
Wife: “I shaved down there. You know what that means…”
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because they get to switch sides halfway through.
In my career as a lumberjack I cut exactly 58,274 trees.
I know because I kept a log.
I watched a documentary on frogs the other day
It was ribbiting.
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
My 3 year old’s first joke
What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes
An old man is selling watermelons…
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10 A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business…"
Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye
But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit
A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
As a part of their job, executioners are not allowed to high five their victims before executing them.
It’s their job to leave them hanging.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
Got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” mixed up.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A man goes to a dear friend’s funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word for the deceased.
She says "Go ahead". He says "Plethora". She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
That shit was nuts!