A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…
…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
Everyone get them
Leave me the fuck cologne.
Because he hated his dam job.
But then he got bi with a little help from his friends.
Restaurant in peace
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
They charged him with attempted murder.
She wanted to see the task manager.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants. Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts. "The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced. The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life. Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches. "Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!" His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head. "If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?" Another head shake. " Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you." "I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily. "Who the hell pushed me?"
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
Never knew he was a barber
A young woman is at her doctor’s appointment when the doctor says, “Ma’am, I’ve got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant.”
The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be…" She pauses for a moment. "…Kid-in-me." After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?" The woman says "It was totally birth it."
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Restaurant in peace.
I guess he just has a self defecating sense of humor.
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
So then when one dies I'll still have two
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
Well Well Well
But anal will make your hole weak
Serves him right.
I said i paid for it, it IS my cheese.
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” – We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”