A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.

I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?" "Sure, but how can that help?" "Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."

Now he's just Dav.

Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them. His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?” He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.” Friend: “Okay, that’s weird…But what happened when you met them after a week?” He says: “First girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.” “Second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.” “Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.” Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??” The guy said “I am marrying the one with the biggest boobs”.

And that’s Chris Brown

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’ Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’ The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’ Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’ That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’ Little Johnny said: I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’ The teacher fainted…

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Keith. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "Well, she just died and left me everything."

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

He came closer and asked what problem is. Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope. Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.” After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily. Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.” Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!” The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”

…you can run but you can't hide!

Hope it’s not terminal.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates. Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you get to decide where you want to spend eternity." The senator looks a bit bewildered and says "why can't I just go into heaven?" Peter replies:"sorry rules are rules, where do you want to go first?" The senator replies:"let's get the hard part out of the way first. I'll go to hell to begin with." Peter points to an elevator: "press the button and go all the way down." The senator walks over presses the button and starts heading down. Going down nothing changes everything seems the same as when he got in and when he hits the bottom it opens up to reveal a sandals resort-esque layout. As soon as he walks out a woman clad in a bikini gives him a mojito and he is greeted by three of his old friends. They walk over to a golf course and have a grand time catching up and talking. Then the devil walks up. Except no horns, nor hoofs, but rather a white linen suit. He smiles and starts cracking jokes and the Senator has a blast. At the end of 24 hours he gets back in the elevator and goes back up to the pearly gates. Peter greets him and asks: "how was it?" The Senator responds "amazing!" Peter raises an eyebrow quizzically and then directs him to the entrance of heaven. The Senator goes in and enjoys chilling on cloud furniture relaxing and enjoying himself but he is lonely and it just isn't the same without his friends. So at the end of the 48 hours he goes back to Peter. Peter asks him: "have you made up your mind? The Senator replies: "I have. Never thought I would say this in my entire life, but I would like to go to hell." Peter looks at him aghast. "Are you sure? Because once you make the choice it is irrevocable." The Senator replies "yes i'm sure." Peter again points to the elevator and replies: "May God have mercy on you." The Senator goes and gets into the elevator. This time as it goes down it starts getting warmer to the point where the elevator feels like a furnace. The elevator stops and opens, but this time it’s different. The Senator sees fire and caverns with devils chasing people with pitchforks and everything is well…hell. He walks up to the devil who this time has horns, hoofs, and wings. He says “When I came here the other day it was like a tropical beach resort, now it’s well hell. What happened??” The devil looks at him and says smiling: “well you see the other day we were campaigning, but today you voted.”

A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."

The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!

There would be mass confusion.

No one listened. But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Dire times indeed.

"For I did not speak of my own Accord…" – John 12:49

I hate prison.

“I haven’t decided yet."