A dude walks into a restaurant and says,
"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"
The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of this shit joint?"
"Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from swearing in this restaurant."
"Fuck off!" replies the dude. "And where's the fucking piano?"
"What?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf are we? You little piece of shit, show me your fucking piano."
"Oh, you're here for the pianist job. Can you play any blues?" says the manager showing the dude the piano.
"Of course I fucking can," and the guy plays the most inspiring and beautiful blues that the manager has ever heard.
"That's good, what's it called?"
"I want to fuck your wife on the couch but the springs keep hurting my balls," replies the pianist.
The manager is disturbed but asks if he knows jazz. So he proceeds to play the best jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Great!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted to fuck your daughter but she's still at school."
The manager gets angry but asks if he knows any ballads, he then plays the most heartbreaking melody.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I fuck her under the stars, the moonlight shines off her hairy pussy," he replies.
The manager is upset but offers him the job if he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a little bit, until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde the dude has ever seen. She's wearing a see through dress and her tits are falling out the top. She is sitting there with her legs wide open, staring at him. It's too much for him so he runs off to the restroom to yank one out.
He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager yell "Where's that pianist!?" He just has time to cum and then he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself right, sits down and starts playing his music.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your pants and dripping jizz on your shoes?"
"Know it," he replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
I’m gonna hit you whit 9 states of mater
Be like docker!
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
This is my life now
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
My wife bought a new bra, it’s really hard to unhook.
I don't know why I put it on in the first place.
Boomers dint even fight in WW2
Jokes and sex are almost the same
I don't get it
I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts
He said I have to start paying in advance
I hate it when my wife says “Are you listening to me?!”
Such a random way to start a conversation.
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
Google trying to be helpful
The wage gap isn’t real
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO
*Technical debt intensifies*
Little Johnny is back
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'." Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johhny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Alzheimer’s is just…
Is there anything more deserving?
Why do keyboards never sleep?
Because they have 2 Shifts…
Remind me, were there “good people on both sides” at Normandy?
Visual Studio users be like
Am I disabled?
An interesting title
I think Saturn’s name is the best in our solar system
It has a nice ring to it
Groucho Marx said this in 1957…..Still holds up.
The Republican State of the Union After Party Photos.
What would you do?
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins….
….I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
Girlfriend vs. compiler
So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter…
When I thought to myself "Man…I'm fucking nuts."
Look at these rebels
What comes out if you cross a mosquito and an elephant?
I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…
I love the small of tests in the morning
Don’t be like Rand.
Why are there two “d”s in reddit?
The second ones is a repost like this joke
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
hahaha quarantine fattness
Did they send me fathers?
When I asked for nuns?
Me waking up to a stimulus check in my account…
Commenting code be like
Dear Trump Supporters
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas (or any other special occasion)
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it
I’ll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
Girlfriend stood there last night accusing me of cheating on her.
I thought to myself; "Damn, she sounds just like the wife"
Dolphins I’m dead inside
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
[Laughs in Socialist]
The deleted scene from Home Alone 2
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
Just doing some Esperanto lessons…
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
How likely are you to tell your co-workers about docker?
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay…
They arrested me.
The first Karen to get sick was..
What did the big traffic light say to the little traffic light?
Don’t look while I’m changing!
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Blast from the Past
Well.We will all burn in hell.
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist