A dude walks into a restaurant and says,
"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"
The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of this shit joint?"
"Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from swearing in this restaurant."
"Fuck off!" replies the dude. "And where's the fucking piano?"
"What?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf are we? You little piece of shit, show me your fucking piano."
"Oh, you're here for the pianist job. Can you play any blues?" says the manager showing the dude the piano.
"Of course I fucking can," and the guy plays the most inspiring and beautiful blues that the manager has ever heard.
"That's good, what's it called?"
"I want to fuck your wife on the couch but the springs keep hurting my balls," replies the pianist.
The manager is disturbed but asks if he knows jazz. So he proceeds to play the best jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Great!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted to fuck your daughter but she's still at school."
The manager gets angry but asks if he knows any ballads, he then plays the most heartbreaking melody.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I fuck her under the stars, the moonlight shines off her hairy pussy," he replies.
The manager is upset but offers him the job if he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a little bit, until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde the dude has ever seen. She's wearing a see through dress and her tits are falling out the top. She is sitting there with her legs wide open, staring at him. It's too much for him so he runs off to the restroom to yank one out.
He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager yell "Where's that pianist!?" He just has time to cum and then he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself right, sits down and starts playing his music.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your pants and dripping jizz on your shoes?"
"Know it," he replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
I said "no dice."
But I called her Bluff…
We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
Because Dawn is tough on Greece. 😆
Because their horns don’t work!
I said, “I can’t be your brother and assister too.”
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
The deep friar
He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house." She says, "The worst…? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!" He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but… Again a tuna sandwich?" The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too… Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too…" The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches… How could I have expected…". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna…why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand… She prepared her own meals!"
No text found
That's where I draw the line.
Which I think is poor for four.
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Their socialism is just too much
You're missing gout.
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
You console it.