A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said.
What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
Ba na na na
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19…
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
What’s the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo Doll before it leaves the factory?
They give it two test tickles.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
What’s faster, cold or hot?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
Me telling my dad I’m bisexual:
Me: okay, so. I would identify as bisexual. Dad: and that means you would have a male partner Me: yep Dad: and a female partner. Me: yep Dad: and that means your bi Me: yep Dad: so that means if you don’t have a partner your on standbi. Me: Me: Me: Me: did you just
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
What’s the easiest food to eat?
A piece of cake.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed…
The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks: “Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?” “I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.” So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets dehydrated after a short while… “Monkey, I’m gonna go to the river and get some water, my mouth is soooo dry… I’ll be back.” Little lizard heads to the river, but he’s so high that he stumbles and falls headfirst into the water. Luckily, the crocodile happens to be there, helps him out and asks what’s the deal. “I’m high as balls, croccy. I smoked weed with the monkey.” “Oh really? I wanna get some too.” So the crocodile goes to the monkey’s tree and greets him. “Hi monkey!” The monkey stares at the crocodile in disbelief: “Woooo… damnit lizard, how much water did you drink?”
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
What’s the most remarkable invention of the last 100 years?
Dry erase board.
What do call a man with no body and just a nose?
Nobody nose
Someone has been sneaking into my garden and adding top soil…
The plot thickens.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on." The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sake, buy yourself a razor!"
Guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender says “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs in here.” Guy says “This is no ordinary dog. This dog can speak.”
Bartender says “Sure… If you say so. Now please leave.” Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * “Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.” Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?” Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes “Ruff.” Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!” Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies “Ruth” Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!” Guy and dog leave. Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.
I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
Dictionary
The only way to read a dictionary from front to back is to read it in reverse.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck.
You're still using fowl language.
