A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
How do bees brush their hair?
A honeycomb.
What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?
Pen- nay (penne)
What does a janitor and a car have in common
They both go broom broom
A joke isn’t really a dad joke
until it’s fully groan.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller!
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas…
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.
“Hey Dad, why does Jesus wear a crown of thorns in every picture?”
“No idea. That’s a real head-scratcher.”
Woke up to my phone having a seizure because my dad kept sending me a dozen of these
https://ift.tt/37sNkcH
Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
https://ift.tt/2RmNRad
I don’t hate ALL of the periodic table.
Just elements of it
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
“This aged well.”
Me: You made a mean cup of coffee!
Her: So, you like it? Me: I just told you it was average.
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.
Hope it’s not terminal.
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
![[Parody] Competitive Programming](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-155-400x247.png)
What’s the difference between an Indian and African Elephant?
One’s an elephant.
What do you call it when Batman skips church ?
Christian Bale
A man had been drinking all night…
A man had been drinking all night at a bar before puking all over his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So he goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok…then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
Yo mamma’s so ugly…
Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
A Syrian kid in France.
A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him. "No! From now on you are French and your name is Jacque.". He ponders it over and agrees, you're right I am French now and my name is Jacque. Upon arriving home his mother asks him how his first day at school was? He abruptly stops her and tells his mother he is French now and that she needs to call him Jacque. She proceeds to beat the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. She also tells him to wait and see what his father thinks when he arrives. Upon arrival, and finding out, his father beats the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. The next day at school, the teacher in shock asks him, "OMG! What happened to your face?!" He responds: "You would not believe it! Less than 2 hours after becoming French, I was brutally attacked by 2 Islamic terrorists!"
Which part of the body is the last to die?
Pupils, coz they dilate.
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
![[Meme] U$MLE giving up their money maker for the next 12-18 months](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/ui6m0lx6s7151-400x393.jpg)
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Would you calculate how many people you could afford to lose for unlimited breadsticks?
https://ift.tt/2Z5Ucvb
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted: “Uno…” “Dos…” And disappeared without a trace.
“That one about the guy…”
I was having a bad time once and my friend felt the need to comfort me. He said "cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck at the bottom of a deep hole filled with water." I knew he meant well.
How did Dr. Frankenstein find where his monster was hiding?
He had a hunch
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.
A young man goes to confession
He says "Father, I have sinned." The priest asks him "Tell me son, what have you done?" The young man admits "I've just cheated on my girlfriend" Priest "Oh, son, that's not good, but we all stray from God's path occasionally" "But Father, that's not the worst of it. They were twin sisters" "Son, I can see you're feeling guilty, but I'm sure you can atone…" "I'm not done, Father. They were only 18" "Son, legally and in the eyes of God…" "They were virgins, from Sweden. Blonde. They barely spoke a word of English and I took advantage of them!" The priest is getting a little flustered now "Ok, well, it's going to take some serious prayer and reflection on your sins to make your peace with the Lord." The young man continues "But Father, it was in my girlfriend's bed, while she was at the hospital visiting her sick mother" Before the priest can say anything, the young man continues: "It went on for hours. My God, they were so beautiful, I took them in turns, and both at the same time, it was wild. We fucked in the bed, on the floor, in the shower, on the kitchen bench, and then when my girlfriend walked in, I just kept going. They were insatiable…" The priest, now getting upset, says "Son, stop!" But the man continues "…I got it on video, so I can keep it for whenever I want to see it, and I can show it to my friends, and hey, do you want to see it?" The priest yells "Stop! No! I don't want to see it! Goddamit, what kind of Catholic are you?!" The man replies "I'm not a Catholic" Perplexed, the priest asks "…Then why come to church, why are you in confession? Why are you telling me all this?" "Dude… I'm telling everyone!"
My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I told her, “Just you wait.”
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
