A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it
My illegal logging business is a success
Anti-vaxxers are the biggest hypocrites. How?
They've been vaccinated. We know this because: •They're over three years old •They're retarded.
MEN’S HELP LINE – Letter of the Month
Hi John, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
Just got back from the Transformers convention
and boy are my arms tires.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me Ugly and Poor
I’m glad I’m good at making musical puns
Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
Life is like a toilet paper
One minute you’re on a roll And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole
What does a frog do with a piece of paper?
Rip it! 6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. 🙂
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.
A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money
I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
I just quit my job at the helium factory…
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
Got my first date of 2020 already lined up
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
Why are photographers so hesitant to get into a relationship?
They're interested in developing one, but can't stop focusing on all the negatives.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives
The Fast and The Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker
Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
Why did the bowling alley close down?
The staff went on strike.
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
I probably made over 5 forms that were just front end and had no function whatsoever
https://ift.tt/2YsLYv4
Why are IRS employees always tired when they get home?
Their jobs are taxing.
Time flies when you’re throwing watches…
No text found
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg’s jokes
I still do, but I used to too
A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God
Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
(NSFW) A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sitting in the waiting room of an OB/Gyn office. All three are about six months pregnant.
The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, “I read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.” The redhead says, “well I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boy” The blonde starts wailing and crying “oh god! I’m going to have puppies!!”
There was a toilet stolen from the police station…
They have nothing to go on My dad texted this to me today
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
Never date an apostrophe.
They're too possessive.
Q: Why can’t a blind guy see his friends?
A: Because he's married.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
You know what’s wrong with political jokes?
They sometimes get elected.
My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Until I got kicked out of the library
What’s Batman’s favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit
If you were anti-pencil, would you be eracist?
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