A farmer friend of mine
used his stimulus check to buy baby chickens. He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.
A fishing pole
Is it The same shit different day?
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian. Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian." The two men decide to speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation the rabbi says, "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down, "that's funny…"
The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers. Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons." JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger, "Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?" "Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob. "Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep" JimBob considers for a moment, then says "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass – The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea." "Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Me: “Sundae School.”
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, “Shit man, I’m too old for this nonsense!”
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a good, solid reason for your insane speeding that I've never heard before, I promise you that I will let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied, "Officer, few years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back." The cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
Religion brought them together.
his funfair is next monkey
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."
sadly none of them work.
Apparently there is a New Delhi.
A neigh sayer.
Well, that’s the plan, anyways
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
Neither have eye
“Is this her first child?” He asks. “No this is her Husband.”
Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Dad: No, I’m gay Dad. Dad #2: No, I’m gay dad.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party… As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”. He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?” “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??” His son replies, “Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
Because they can't multiply.
He didn't. He was never really on your side.
They are lined up for blocks.
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us… “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.
Neil before me.
They don't believe in the mixing of races.
He didn't listen though.
That's where I draw the line.
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻