A farmer’s son joins reddit and finds the r/Jokes subreddit
"Father, father!" he says to the farmer, "This subreddit is amazing! It's full of so many good jokes, I wish I could be just as funny as all the redditors I've seen."
The farmer laughs at his son and tells him, "Son, if you really want to be like the redditors on r/Jokes you'll have to first sow your Ohsts."
His son looks at him, perplexed. "What on earth are 'Ohsts'? I've never seen you with those."
"I know you've heard the saying 'you reap what you sow', and the same saying applies reddit," the farmer tells his son.
"Those redditors just sow their Ohsts so they can reap Ohst, reap Ohst, and reap Ohst."
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
If you're one of those people, don't worry.
Math puns make me number
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".
Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome.
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why…
I left my phone in Airplane mode
It was Riveting.
A lot of black people would try to mug me
It’s an inside joke.
He's known as "the Fender bender".
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
If it floats it's boy ant
Because communication is key
Like every other year.
Don't worry, he woke up
I replied, “he ransomware.”
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
You can hide, but you can't run.
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
I just gave my too weak notice!
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
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The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
He always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean.
I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as……
FLEECE NAVI-DAD Edit: SILVER? Thank you kind redditor!
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence… the rest of the year went quite smoothly.
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
Milk- it’s pasteurized before you see it
One was as-salted