A farmer’s son joins reddit and finds the r/Jokes subreddit
"Father, father!" he says to the farmer, "This subreddit is amazing! It's full of so many good jokes, I wish I could be just as funny as all the redditors I've seen."
The farmer laughs at his son and tells him, "Son, if you really want to be like the redditors on r/Jokes you'll have to first sow your Ohsts."
His son looks at him, perplexed. "What on earth are 'Ohsts'? I've never seen you with those."
"I know you've heard the saying 'you reap what you sow', and the same saying applies reddit," the farmer tells his son.
"Those redditors just sow their Ohsts so they can reap Ohst, reap Ohst, and reap Ohst."
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
3 in 5 people suffer from anxiety.
If you're one of those people, don't worry.
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".
When two people have sex it’s called a two-some, when three people have sex it’s a threesome
Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome.
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why…
I left my phone in Airplane mode
Someone once told me a story about screws, nuts and bolts.
It was Riveting.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist…
A lot of black people would try to mug me
Wanna hear something funny? Quarantine.
It’s an inside joke.
There’s a magician who can fold even the highest-quality guitars in half.
He's known as "the Fender bender".
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by floating it in water?
If it floats it's boy ant
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
So far, 2019 seems odd.
Like every other year.
There was a kidnapping at school
Don't worry, he woke up
An officer asked me “Where did the hacker go?”
I replied, “he ransomware.”
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!
Imagine a woman with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket..
You can hide, but you can't run.
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn’t swim.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
“That’s what.” – She
No text found
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
And the award for best neckwear goes to…
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
One friend of mine is LITERALLY a legend…
He always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean.
Which Disney Park ride has the most area for people to wait?
Space Mountain.
I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as……
FLEECE NAVI-DAD Edit: SILVER? Thank you kind redditor!
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence… the rest of the year went quite smoothly.
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
What’s the fastest liquid?
Milk- it’s pasteurized before you see it
2 peanuts walked into a park
One was as-salted