A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
Two deers walk out of a gay bar
One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
Two prisoners working in the laundry room on the top floor of the jail.
After a couple hours, the guard on duty steps away to use the bathroom. The one prisoner says: "Quick, this is our chance to escape. We only have a few minutes so have to work together. You rip bedsheets into strips and I'll tie them into a rope, then we can climb down through the window. The other agrees, "Got it. I sheet, you knot."
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
I made a club about erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop, nobody came.
What’s the favorite drink of pornstars?
7 up in cider.
Did you hear the joke about the dyslexic man?
He walked into a bra…
I cut my mouth on cheese.
My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
The boomer who shared this made sure to let everyone know that the mechanic was his favorite
https://ift.tt/2Xp5fyC
I used to think I was indecisive…
But now I’m not so sure.
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
A guide on how to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12
Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)
Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together. "Is this your first child?" says the older woman. "No," says the younger woman. "I have another." "I have three." Continues the older woman. "After the first kid, my husband was so sweet. He bought me a diamond necklace." "Oh, how nice." Said the young woman. "After the second, he bought me a new car. He said I deserve the best." "Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman. "And after the third, he bought us a new house. It was expensive, but he said his family was worth it." "Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman. "So, what has your husband gotten you?" "Well, we only have one child. After he was born, my husband thought I needed to clean up my language, so he got me lessons at charm school." "Is that so?" "Yes. Now instead of saying 'go fuck yourself,' I say 'oh, how nice'."
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
What is GEN Z’s least favorite toy?
a BOOMERang. Ha.
My favorite response when I’m canceling an account and they force me to give them feedback
https://ift.tt/33TlSnc
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
How do you treat a wounded lemon?
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
I want to hear 99 people sing “Africa” by Toto…
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies “well I know he’s a bad driver and a moron”
Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
I got a job as a bullet
I was fired immediately
A Nike shoe factory burned down 🔥
1000 soles were lost.
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.