A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes
He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh…
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.
When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich." The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table. The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can sit wherever I want, I'm fucking rich." Again, the bouncer decides to let the guy sit down, still hoping for a big tip. The guy then walks behind the bar, grabs the most expensive top-shelf bottle, and takes it back to his table. The bouncer, realizing that the owner will fire him for letting a guest grab such an expensive bottle, stops the guy a third time and says "I don't care how wealthy you are, you can't have that bottle." All the sudden a huge man, dwarfing the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder and tells the bouncer to let the guy keep the bottle. Indignant at the bold statement, the bouncer replies "and who the hell are you?" "Rich."
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
What did Cinderella say when her photos got lost in the mail?
"I wonder when my prints will come…"
Astronaut 1: I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Sure, a library is the place to find a lot of books to read from
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories
I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Just want to let you know You all matter
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
Educated people are hot
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision …
… I can't wait to see them all.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West….
….could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
My son: Dad, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
How do you say ‘sup dawg’ in Japanese?
Konichihuahua
Dad what is Mozart doing now?
He is de-composing.
Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.
After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNDDDD EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
My friend says to me “What rhymes with banana?”
And I told him "No it doesn't"
I once bought shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside of Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold! Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Your duck is dead…
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."