A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
I saw on the news that someone just broke into my local police station and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.
It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket,
you could say you are… Independant
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.
The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets" The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again: "One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!" Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire and screans followed by a longer silence. Soon again the same voice yells: "One finnish soldier is equal to a thousand soviets!" Now furious, the soviet commander sends a thousand soldiers and a tank to the hill. They hear even more gunfire and explosions. Then silence. One heavily wounded soviet soldiers crawls from the hill and yells: "Commander! Dont send any more troops, its a trap! Theres two of them!" (I know this joke is super old but idgaf)
Hiring manager: “What’s your greatest weakness?”
Man: "I’d say honesty ." Hiring manager: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."
My wife screamed in pain during labour
I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!” “I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… Donald, duck!”
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
A new study shows 9/10 people who are afraid of hurdles…
Never get over it.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?”
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
The second hand store.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
An invisible man marries an invisible woman…
The kids weren't much to look at!
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: You’re fired.
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
BA-DUMM-TSS
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
What exactly is Fat shaming?
Mass Awareness
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.
![[OC] The math checks out](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/no_image_card-69-400x247.png)
My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back… The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help. A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” “No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
Why did my dad go to prison?
Beats me.
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
Bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got it home…
…it made a bolt for the door.
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
Found a bullet in my avocado
Guess you can call it glockomole
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
