A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
I saw on the news that someone just broke into my local police station and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.
It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket,
you could say you are… Independant
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
Dad sent this to me
Comments to describe
Coming this summer…
At-least the other error messages are useful
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.
The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets" The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again: "One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!" Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire and screans followed by a longer silence. Soon again the same voice yells: "One finnish soldier is equal to a thousand soviets!" Now furious, the soviet commander sends a thousand soldiers and a tank to the hill. They hear even more gunfire and explosions. Then silence. One heavily wounded soviet soldiers crawls from the hill and yells: "Commander! Dont send any more troops, its a trap! Theres two of them!" (I know this joke is super old but idgaf)
Captain Picard asks the important question
Hiring manager: “What’s your greatest weakness?”
Man: "I’d say honesty ." Hiring manager: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."
There are some advantages.
My wife screamed in pain during labour
I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!” “I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Don’t be like Karen
Nice job conservatives
The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… Donald, duck!”
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
Passed out in the window
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
Trump Dumb Tweet of the Day
Tony Hawk gets an office job
Idk guys this healthcare thing is so complex and radical
Get out of the fucking road!
A new study shows 9/10 people who are afraid of hurdles…
Never get over it.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?”
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
Relationships so far.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
The second hand store.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
How dare you?!
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
I’m Copying Tom Scott
This Post has a Score of 148
An invisible man marries an invisible woman…
The kids weren't much to look at!
I work with a lot of web developers
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: You’re fired.
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
What exactly is Fat shaming?
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.
My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
Not bad but still boomer
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back… The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help. A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” “No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
Bernie wins the Iowa caucus despite the DNC’s best effort
Why did my dad go to prison?
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
Dystopian future is already here
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
This is my 2nd meme boys n’ girls
Me importing a whole library just for one function
Code is fully functional and ready to be pushed to production
Break the mould in 2020!
I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
Bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got it home…
…it made a bolt for the door.
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
The first reply to her tweet. 😂
Shared by a non-boomer on Facebook
this pussy coxblocked me
why does he keep adding those yellow arrows
this is what it looks like when someone is thinking really hard on an exam!
Found a bullet in my avocado
Guess you can call it glockomole
Adding that icon is going to take 3 weeks.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
This is America
Workers of the world, unite!