A few days ago I learnt what confirmation bias meant.
Now I see it everywhere.
Not so noble
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.
I don't like high maintenance women.
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Scientists have invented artificial vocal cords.
The result speaks for itself.
Why is it that chinese kids don’t believe in santa?
Because they’re the ones making the toys!
I broke my only hole puncher today
Now I've got two half punchers
Me, trying to sound smart: So, who is your favorite philosopher?
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
The national Origami Championship is on television tonight.
It's on paper view.
World Never Says Hi Back to Me
Who would win
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
Anyone else who does this?😳
Monday morning mini-stroke
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight..
There would be mass confusion.
Two for one
How To Convince Your Wife You Haven’t Been Drinking
A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes, "I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go to your wife and say some other guy got so drunk he puked on you, but he felt sorry about it and gave you ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned." So the drunken guy agrees to give it a try. He goes back to his wife and tells her that a drunk guy puked on his shirt then gave him ten dollars to have it cleaned. The wife looks and says, "He gave you twenty dollars." The guy replies, "Oh I forgot. He also shit in my pants."
[At the chameleon store]
Me: Do you have any chameleons? Clerk: I have no fucking idea
Poor dude needs a fist-bump
I want to tell you about a girl who only ate plants…
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Anyone wanna help me set up an alter to sacrifice trump to save Tom Hanks?
The President of the United States saves the economy from the COVID-19 slowdown.
Why are cows bad at dancing?
So this guy walks into a library
He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?” The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises” The librarian thinks for a second, then responds, “I don’t think it’s in yet” He nods back, “Yep, that’s the one”
Have You Tried Running it Again?
What do you call the child of 2 physicists?
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.
what is this supposed to mean lol
Masking for a friend…
Many people are saying…
Corporations are exploiting essential workers with out health insurance…
And the winner goes to…
Congressional Republican Behavior Explained.
Where does a dog go when it loses it’s tail and needs a new one?
A retail store.
[repost] Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon…
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704 [Total report, but topical today]
Found at the local thrift shop
A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.
"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner. "Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse – good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse – mostly good for companionship." "That sounds interesting. What about the one swimming in the lake over there?" the lottery winner says. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
Me naming the variables
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete. He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."
When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be
"You guys want to see a dead body?"
House Republicans Right Now
Shitting his shell
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.
Hurray for Hasselhoff!
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.
His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"
Cheeseburgers and KFC, no more
Retirement for mitch
Pretty accurate to me
Rope. Tree. Hypocrisy.
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy. They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty." The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing. "Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!" The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!" They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe….
They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time. The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!” The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. “Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!” The blonde mom rifles through her daughter’s purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit… Cindy has a dick.”
Kids in 2040 have it too easy; they’ll never understand our ordeals!
This is better than “car won’t turn unless driver uses turn signal”
I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex
But when the time came, I finally knew
Hahaha wife bad amirite?
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I don’t enjoy thinking about it, especially on a large scale.
That dang World Wide Web
The World’s Greatest Gambler
A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney. The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you come into possession of this money?” The man responds “I am the world’s greatest gambler, and I can prove it.” “Is that so?” The judge asks incredulously “Here, I’ll show you… I bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eye.” “Okay, go for it.” The man removes his glass eye and bites it. The judge is dejected, as he just lost $1000. Still, he’s not sold. “That’s a good trick, but I’m not sure that makes you the world’s greatest gambler.” “Alright… Double or nothing. I can bite my other eye.” The judge reads the man’s face, and can clearly see that he’s not blind. He takes the offer… The man then removes his dentures and presses them down on his other eye. At this point, the judge is torn. The man is an excellent scam artist, without a doubt, but he doesn’t know if that’s enough for him to clear his charges. Plus, he just lost $2000 to him. The judge sits quietly for a moment. The man speaks up again “How about double or nothing again? I bet you that I can do a handstand on one side of your desk and pee into the wastebasket on the other side.” Obviously, this is wildly inappropriate behavior for a courtroom… But we’re talking about $2000. The judge looks back and forth across his desk a couple times, and decides there’s no way he could possibly pull this off. He agrees. So, the man walks up, does a handstand on his desk, and attempts to pee across the desk into the wastebasket. He doesn’t even come close to making it. The judge exclaims “Yes!” The man’s lawyer shouts “No!” And covers his face with his hands. The judge asks “Wait, what’s wrong?” The lawyer says “He bet me $10,000 he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.”
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…
But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!