A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
My favorite time of the day is 6:30
Hands down
Why is it good to have a crab as a friend?
They'll come through for you in a pinch
Wife: “I made our daughter a waffle this morning.”
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school…
"How was you English test today?" She asked "It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question" "What did it ask?" The mother replied "It asked for the past tense of think" "What did you answer it as?" The mother says. "I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
Dad, I know how to stay awake for 8 days!
It's easy, I just sleep during the nights. *(disclaimer — this dadjoke was delivered deadpan by my daughter. She is truly becoming a master)
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
Guy: I’m hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.
Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper
One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
If Satan ever loses his hair…
…there will be hell toupee.
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
Did you hear about the dad who swapped genders and now no one can find him?
He became trans-parent.
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now