A fisherman walks into r/jokes…
A fisherman walks into r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing.
The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod."
"Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before."
"No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman.
The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC.
The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish."
"Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want r/prequelmemes down the street".
"No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'.
"Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time".
"No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman.
The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes."
The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?"
The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?"
The fisherman nods.
The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense.
He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?"
The fisherman says "I can't answer that here".
The bartender asks "Why not?"
The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual.
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
Communism jokes arenβt funny
Unless everyone gets them
How do the earthβs tectonic plates greet each other?
They shake! Bwahahahahaha
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
Husband and Wife
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues…"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… "I would have gotten out today!"
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Two women go on a night out…
Two women, Mary and Margaret, go on a night out, leaving their husbands at home. After a heavy night of Guinness, and while walking home through a large cemetery they both have a strong urge to relieve themselves. They each pop a squat behind a bush, and after doing the deed Mary calls over "psssst, hey Margaret! How are you going to, you know, wipe your butt?" Margaret tells her "I'm going to use my underwear and toss them away after, they're my cheap ones so I don't care!" Mary has a think about it, but she is wearing her best Victoria's Secret panties and doesn't really want to throw them away, so after a lot of debate she very regrettably decides to wipe herself with a wreath from a nearby grave, and then the two continue home. The following day, their husbands are sitting in the bar. One tells the other "hey bud, I don't think we should let our wives go out together any more. Margaret came home last night with no panties on" The other tells him "you think that's bad!? My wife came home with a card in her ass saying 'from all the boys at the the station, we're going to miss you'! "
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in…
She really wanted a daughter…
Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?
This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
They told me I wouldn’t be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely
[Picture] Im selling a microwave on facebook and asked my dad to send me pictures of the inside of it to show a buyer.
I wasn't disappointed https://imgur.com/gallery/gCDyE8C
Iβll tell you a corona virus joke now…
But you will have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
I recently found out the medical name for Viagra
Mycoxaflopin
Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop.
I canβt afford anything.
Just remember you are someone’s reason to smile.
Because you're a joke.
I’ve always wanted one of these on my car
No text found
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
I canβt believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making βFriendsβ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What do chemists do with the dead?
They Barium
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.