A fly feels a bug on its back
Which US president was least guilty?
Lincoln. Cause he was in a cent.
A century ago, two brothers claimed it was possible to fly
They were Wright
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
What is Forrest Gump password
1forrest1
My approximately 6 year old cousin told me this joke
Him: will you remember me in 5 years? Me: yes Him: will you remember me in 10 years? Me: yea Him: knock knock Me: who’s there Him: you forgot me already??
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left
My wife dated a professional clown before we started going out.
I had some big shoes to fill.
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say…. I’m behind The Times.
I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is Politics?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son? Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
I hear balloon prices are up
It’s due to inflation
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.
When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively. After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Well…Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday came and went and the man still hadn't seen his wife. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.
They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
Is there fall damage? Let’s find out.
Is there fall damage? Let’s find out.
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
My penis is so large…
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
Why are dad jokes like sex?
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground!"
The teacher gave
her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?" "Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."