A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, “Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
Did you know Bach was a big time gambler?
It got so bad he went baroque!
Just so everybody’s clear,
I'm going to put my glasses on.
Why are so many people tired on April 1st?
they just finished a 31 day March.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
How are you going to plant any flowers
If you haven’t botany?
My dad just got a tattoo of a Thermos on his palm…
Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"
My wife found out I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
I keep a record of how much toffee I eat.
It’s my Heath Ledger.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey
I tried to think of a good Star Wars pun
But it just felt Forced.
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies "Free". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender replies "Free". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say “mucho”.
It means a lot to me.
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"