A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
Three married men are complaining about their wives.
The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man. The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid. They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you? John scratches his head and says: Me? I get laid almost everyday. The first two are dumbfounded. ALMOST EVERY DAY? They ask. John says: Yeah. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Almost on Wednesday….
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack….
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I love the F5 key
It's so refreshing
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
Please leave your nominations as replies to this thread. All other comments will be deleted.You can nominate any comment or post in the subreddit that was posted during this year.You can nominate multiple posts or comments, but please make a separate comment for each.Make sure you directly link to the post or comment you’re nominating, and not the content.
A fly felt something bite his back…
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back" "Hey! What are you? A mite? " Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!" Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard." Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.
Who are they going to tell? Their parents?
Dad, I feel fat and ugly… Give me a compliment…
Dad: You have good eyesight !
A man decided to become a monk
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could use a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin" replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?" "Well, actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
My driving examiner told me to do an emergency stop.
So I drove him to the hospital. He couldn't have been ill though, because he didn't get out.
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
If I started a band called “Ceiling”…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
Hey, I’m not saying Hitler was a great guy.
But he really saved the History channel.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Scientists turn back time…
…end up with 'emit'.
Spiderman saves the day with help of a sad joke.
https://ift.tt/32dkF7K
What award did the inventor of the knock knock joke win?
The No bell prize.
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis
Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
I’d be a terrible NASCAR driver
because I'm always right.
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder
Found a bullet in my avocado
Guess you can call it glockomole
“But they relate to my struggles!” screamed the temporarily embarrassed millionaire
https://ift.tt/2QFbJVP
I watched a documentary about beavers last night
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen
Smoking will kill you …
Bacon will kill you… But, smoking bacon will cure it.
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
A man walks into a brothel…
Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food. He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks at the cash on the counter then back to the man "Sir, with that sort of money you could have the most delicious steak cooked to perfection along with the most stunning girl you've ever seen. And she'll please you in ways you can't imagine letting you do what ever you wish to her " The man looks the madame strait in the eye and says "sweetheart, I'm not horny I'm homesick"
Here’s a compilation of all the funniest clean jokes in existence
https://youtu.be/q6rn38t6y74kr
KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!”
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?
The United States of America.
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?
He was being mean
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…