A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.
The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.
The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.
While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?"
The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy."
The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?"
The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm the best dentist in town, How did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 or 2? 2 or 3?
Educated people are hot
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
A lawyer’s trick . . .
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
If you drop a plate of roasted pork…
…are you still considered ham-fisted?
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
Courtesy of whoever did this originally. I saw the question, and I took the chance.
https://ift.tt/33R4FtB
Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift
The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "I’m too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"
What does a horny frog say
Rubbit
Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea the better
I’d tell a Jonestown joke, but
the punchline is too long
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches…
It doesn’t. It poops on my floor.
I love pressing the F5 key.
It's very refreshing.
Whats the opposite of minimum?
maxidad
What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry
What do cannibals drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
Son: “Dad, did you know that in some cultures, you don’t get to know your wife until after your married?”
Dad: “Son, it’s that way in every culture.”
Why are French omelettes so small?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the ‘Knock Knock’ joke ?
He won the "No-Bell Prize"
If I Was That Guy, I Would’ve Bought A Lottery Ticket On The Way
If I Was That Guy, I Would’ve Bought A Lottery Ticket On The Way
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog runs to the corner…
He's a Boxer…
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
To be quite honest, I’m not liking this sub at all…
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
People asked me to stop naming Bruce Willis movies…
But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction.
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.