A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.
The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.
The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.
While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?"
The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy."
The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?"
The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
I’ve been having sex with my boss
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit….wrong thread.
Did you know that French Fries don’t originate from France?
They were originally made in Greece
If Mustard cured constipation …..
They'd have to spell it different.
Two gay men are travelling…
…on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill. "Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve. "You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
I’ve met a noble Russian homosexual
His name was Sir Gay
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke
but this is as close as I could get
An athlete walks into a bar
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
I’m not going to spread it!
I once met a girl with twelve nipples.
Sounds funny. Dozen tit.
A man buys a lie detector robot
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. “Where were you during school hours?” He asks. “At school!” His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. “Ok I was at my friends house….” His son says. “What were you doing there? “Reading comics!” The robot slaps the son again. “Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…” “What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“ The robot slaps the wife.
For lifelong French bakers,
existence is pain.
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants. Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts. "The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced. The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life. Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches. "Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!" His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head. "If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?" Another head shake. " Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you." "I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily. "Who the hell pushed me?"
I watched a documentary about beavers last night
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
Dad, are we Pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
I have a few jokes on unemployed people
But none of them work.
“I dropped my toothpaste!”
…exclaimed Dave, crestfallen.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
I don’t trust French food
It always gives me the crêpes
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"