A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”
The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”
The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
A woman is giving birth to twins.
Due to the massive blood loss during the delivery, she had gone unconscious shortly after they were delivered. She awakens to a nurse who congratulated her on having the kids and told her that her brother had come in and named the children for her. "Oh no" the woman said, "My brother is a little slow…he's not entirely all there" "Don't worry" says the nurse, "He actually picked good names, the girls name is Denise" "That's not that bad" says the woman. "What's my boys name?" The nurse replies "Denephew"
Why does Orion’s belt only have three stars?
Well, some of the reviews say it’s just a waist of space
What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?
They'll get over it.
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard…
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.
A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
I was at a bar when
A woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
“Hey son, what are you drinking?”
"Soy milk" "Hola milk, soy padre"
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter: "Dear Sir: Please find enclosed a complimentary pirate's costume. The handkerchief can cover your bald head if you'd like, and with your wooden leg you will be a great pirate. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a letter, which says: "Dear Sir: We are quite sorry about the misunderstanding. Please find enclosed a monk costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" Now the man is really upset, since they have gone from using his wooden leg to using his bald head! So again he writes the company another letter of complaint, being particularly nasty about how they've failed to meet both conditions with their previous attempts. The next week he gets a much smaller package and a note, which reads: "Dear Sir: You will find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes"
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign" Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
An adorable old woman visits the doctor.
“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.” “Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
Woman walks into a gun store.
"It's for my husband" she tells the owner. "Did he tell you what caliber to get"?, the owner asked. "Are you kidding, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him"
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money…
So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.
A woman is walking home with her three daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose". The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg". "Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
Justice is a dish best served cold because…
…if it were served warm, it would be justwater…
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
I asked my sheepdog how many sheep we had, he said 40.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied. "I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.
I mean he just blew up overnight.
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
Why can’t Kylie Jenner ever see her dad?
He’s transparent
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines
But catscan
I believe that venison made from female deer should be classed as a form of bread.
After all, it's cooked doe.
After you die, what’s the last part of your body that stops working?
Your Pupils. They dilate.
The CEO of a large gas station chain was arrested yesterday.
He was running a Shell corporation.
Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.
No text found
Halloween dad joke
why don't skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with haha
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
