A fun pun
Have you heard of the cheese factory that burned down?
Debris was everywhere.
My son asked, “Where’s a good place to get my haircut?”
"From the top of your head, usually," I replied.
A Polish man moves to America and marries an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms." LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded. LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one." LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations are in Poland ." LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?" POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her." LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?" POLE: "NO, she white." LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?" POLE: "She going to kill me." LAWYER: "What makes you think that?" POLE: "I got proof." LAWYER: "What kind of proof?" POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read — it says, 'Polish Remover.'"
A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f…!!! Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realised only You have Brakes.
My wife just told me she was pregnant…
True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke: "Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad." Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.
A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.
He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!" St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?" God says, "Yep." Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle's shell and gets another hundred yards. Just as its about to stop rolling, a squirrel runs over and grabs the ball before being immediately snatched by a gorgeous red tail hawk. The hawk flies him off and just over the green the squirrel drops the ball. The ball hits the green, rolls and falls in the hole. Most amazing par five hole-in-one in history. St. Peter, astonished says, "You call that punishment?" God replies, "Yep. There was nobody around to see it."
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
What is the phobia of chainsaws called?
Common Sense
A dad is given bad news by a doctor
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
Does anybody know if we can take showers yet?
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
What nationality is Santa?
North Polish.
I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate
In the end we decided to just let her live.
I panicked thinking I was gonna be fired cause I nailed my bosses daughter.
Then I became calm realizing I am self employed.
I made a graph for my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
50 dollars is 50 dollars
Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion. On their 46th trip to the state Fair James asked to go on the helicopter flight, and Lucille told him that 50 dollars was still 50 dollars. The helicopter pilot heard their conversation and felt a bit sorry for James. He approached them and told them that he would give them both a ride for free if neither one said a word for the whole flight. If either one said a single word he would charge them the 50 dollars. James and Lucille agree. The pilot takes off and climbs as fast as he can and immediately goes into a dive, but he doesn't hear a word from the couple. He flys in circles, climbs and dives, zigs, zags, and everything in between. The couple never say a word. Finally he lands the helicopter. Over the head set he says "I'm really impressed. I did every thing I could to get a reaction from you two." James says "well, I almost told you to stop when Lucille fell out, but hey, 50 doolars is 50 dollars."
I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
I wouldn’t recommend becoming an escapologist.
I can't get out.
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
A platypus walks into a bar where the bartender is a duck.
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
I was addicted to soap
But now I'm clean
Hindus are so chill
i’ve never had beef with any of them
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
There will be a baby boom in 9 months and
In 2033, we will witness the rise of "Quaranteens"
Her: I have no idea how the science behind human cloning works.
Me: That makes two of us.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
TIL eusocial insects of the family Formicidae NEVER get sick because…
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
