A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.
Those kniving bastards.
So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter…
When I thought to myself "Man…I'm fucking nuts."
I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flys..
I just didnāt realize it would Zoom..
Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
If you get a link called “free p0rn” don’t opin it.
It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and fcuks up you riting. I receibed it but lukily I don't wach p0rn so I dint opin it. Plees warm you frends Wanks
Why donāt vegetarians moan during sex?
They donāt want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
I like to call my weed “the Quran”
Because burning it will get you stoned.
Someone broke into my place and stole my limbo stick.
Just how low can some people go?
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the worldās flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, āProve it then!ā
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…
…so I stopped seeing her for a little while.
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.
My asshole neighbour came and rang my doorbell at 3am this morning….
Luckily I was still up playing my drums
A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm.
He's been made the CIEIO
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time…
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
You can’t take a photo of a man with a wooden leg.
You really need a camera
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable ā an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched ā with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
Fuck Keanu Reeves
Well, thatās the plan, anyways
Two scientists are playing Minecraft.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesnāt know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesnāt know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist. Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted? Scientist 2: Br.
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers. When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it. When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it. When they got to the third barrier, Thor took out Mjolnir and bopped a hole in it. Then they got to the fourth wall, and Deadpool said, "Am I supposed to be the punchline to this joke?"
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He's disqualified
What do gender identities and the twin towers have in common?
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "SƬ" "Ja"
I just turned 18 so now I shouldnāt need my glasses anymore
Iām still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
What do you get when you boil a funny bone?
A laughing stock
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
āCongratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugsā
https://ift.tt/35dOdVi
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious