A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club…
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…"
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a napkin, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy.
So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
WHY DIDNT I GET MY GOLD >:(
Breaking: water glasses are part of the Deep State
Hopefully this isn’t a repost
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.
I’m not fucking lying.
My wife just left me
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
Halloween Party (NSFW)
A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis… Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as. "A fireman" he replies "Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says "Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
Why is reddit recommending a sub with only 80 people in it
Degree in computer science= You are stupid. Makes sense
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
Pure Originality from Disney
software team vs client 🤣🤣🤣
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
That’s good family dynamic
I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was..
In the end I had to call it a day..
Found in an old phone computer file, I remember why I kept it!🇨🇦
Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator.
Finally, I decided to break the ice.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Lowest precipitate in the solution
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
Now all they can eat are rubber gloves.
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help. Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply: "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
I see something else…
You’re gonna need to read this a few times
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast.
the guardian of the genome
AI becomes too real
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
To be fair… Rover McRoverface was my first choice…
Death visible from space
Bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got it home…
…it made a bolt for the door.
I don’t get it, what are they holding?
It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars
The weirdest part is having to rebury them
Why did the marshmallow cross the road?
Because he knew there was S'more to life
Found this at a Little Free Library today. Any good answers?
Only 5 days??? Sign me up.
A nun, a priest, and a rabbi…..
are on a sinking ship. They are getting in a lifeboat… Nun: “Shouldn’t we let the children leave first?” Rabbi: “Fuck the children.” Priest: “Do you think we have the time?”
100 g’s just to do your job
See? Cause men are dumb.
Art of the fail
I made my son some scrambled eggs and as he was eating them I turned to him and said
Are they all they were cracked up to be?
Bro you want this pamphlet?
But how will we pay for it?
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
My grief counselor died recently
Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care
When in doubt, comment it out
Bacteria ready for a dark souls experience
Stay safe guys
A pun is not completely matured…
…until it is full groan.
I think this one counts, even though admittedly it made me chuckle
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
The government has been shut down for more than 15 days….
We can all legally leave.
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.
His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"
Cannot find library in java.library.path
He even thanked himself. Not the Onion.
Only 13% of Democratic voters between 18-29 showed up on Super Tuesday.
Saggy pant bad
I’m sorry what?
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen
He was delighted
Keep it up!