A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.
“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in‘unt?”
Only one word leaps to his mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is aunt."
“Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
y’all know whats up
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.
It means a lot.
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before. She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early. The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up. She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it." He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt." She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him. She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!" He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it drowns, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
HA HA! FART!
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
I mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” with “Yakuza”…
…Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
Covid pros and cons
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today.
There was no congestion for 8 hours.
An average day in the life of a programmer
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
Women hate sport & having fun
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
Isn’t freedom great?
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
Bing Crosby, triggering snowflakes for 77 years
friends are temporary, depression is forever
Me: *wears camouflage*
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
Good news, everyone!
Too much will make hair grow on your palms
My mom just sent me this
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
What’s the time?
11:34 right now
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggy. (credit: my sister, Lisa)
Son: “mom, dad… I’m gay”
Mom: staring at dad⠀ ⠀ Dad: clenches fist ⠀ Mom: “….don’t” ⠀ Dad: sweats profusely ⠀ Mom: “stop it” ⠀ Dad: HI GAY, I’M DAD
They are more contagious….
Facebook is clutch
Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.
They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?
He had no body to go with
I’m telling dad jokes…..
Sometimes he even laughs!
The fair truth
What do you call a fake turd?
Just an amazing UI
im in this picture and i don’t like it
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
Can we wish Max Planck a happy birthday?
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.
So I said "Sure" She asked "When?" "When I meet the right person"
Found at a local thrift shop
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
Having gay parents must suck
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
I sent my passive aggressive mom a meme I found on here and she edited it…
Boy, do I love JS
Kids these days…
How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?
Give it a badge and a gun
From girlfriends step dad
Jokes on you America
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"