A German is trying to to make his way to Paris
At the border, the French customs agent asks him
“Name?”
“Hans Mueller.”
“Place of residence?”
“Munich.”
“Occupation?”
“No, just vacation this time.”
Kina want to tell the pediatrician I speak Old English just to see what happens…
https://ift.tt/2LZRzU4
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
A Tampa man dies and goes to Hell.
A Tampa man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.” The man says, “No problem. I’m from Tampa.” So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Tampa man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine. “No problem…just like Tampa in June,” the man says. So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Tampa man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. “No problem. Just like Tampa in July,” the man says. So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, “No problem. Just like Tampa in August.” Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Tampa man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on. To which the Tampa man replies….. “THE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!” “THE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
How do trees 🎄 access internet?
They log in
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
My friend helped me get into beekeeping. He gave me some to get me started.
He said they were freebees.
Would anyone be interested in being my companion?
Asking for a friend.
What’s dark but always shines?
Shoe polish.
What turns “No, no, no” into “Mmmmmmm”?
Duct tape.
Did you see Trump’s speech last night?
Apparently Nancy Pelosi thought it was tearable.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
Me: *wears camouflage*
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫
I just sang about eight bars.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,
can't wait to see how it turns out.
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
Tetris is a good game
In fact, you could even say it was a blockbuster
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
