A girl killed a butterfly [Slightly NSFW]
Her father became mad and said "No butter for you"
Later, the girl killed a honeybee, her father again became mad and said "No honey for you"
The girl later killed a cockroach. Her father said "Nice try, this is Alabama"
(Sorry, English is not my first language)
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
Courtesy of my youngest child – why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway. My youngest son thought of this all by himself…he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city.
He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But today, I ran over 5 miles
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]
His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute." All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another. The prosecution says: "she didn't walk in." "But the fact that you were all staring at the door expectantly proves that there is reasonable doubt." The jury discusses. The defendant is found guilty. "How can you send a man to prison on such flimsy evidence?" The lawyer says. One juror says: "In the three minutes that passed, I looked through the courtroom, and I saw that the defendant was the only person who didn't look at the door even once."
We cannot allow this year to end!!
That would be admitting that 2021
The idea of 6 naked ladies sounds great
Dozen tit
Our pet duck keeps biting everyone, so I bought a cheap muzzle for it.
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
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I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
I don’t care that i can’t scrape cheese.
I have grater problems to worry about.
STDs are a lot like Pokemon…
It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.
Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?
Me: Leave that to me later at dinner Her dad: coughs I need water Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money…
So I got out of bed to look with him…
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G, and it’s gone.
Did you hear about the recent race to send a cow to space?
The steaks will be higher than ever
Why’s there no original content on this site anymore?
because everyone's already Redd-it
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
A man asked me why my clothes were gay
I said “Cause, they came out the closet”
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice.
Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.
What kind of Dr was Dr.Pepper
He was a Fizzsician
My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
We don’t hate female main characters, we hate bad writing
We don’t hate female main characters, we hate bad writing
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
Why didn’t the angry customer want to hear what the employee had to say?
She wasn't Karen about any opinion but her own.
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day…
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”. She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”. Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”. To this, the man responds at the top of his voice “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person’s regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”
the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
I wasn’t sure if I liked my beard…
But it’s growing on me.
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
How easy is it to get reddit karma?
It's a piece of cake.
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.