A girl walks into a gun store and falls onto a weapon rack.
The gunstore owner says:
She just fell into my arms
[NSFW] I once knew a man who was born with no eyelids. They used his foreskin to make new ones.
You could say he was a bit cockeyed!
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi.
‘Our love withstands our flaws, imperfections & shortcomings’
‘Our love withstands our flaws, imperfections & shortcomings’
This man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: “What’s the matter?”…
"I found out my brother is gay" The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?" "I found out that my son is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Ok sir. What's the matter this time?" "I found out that my dad is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 50 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Does anyone in your family like women?" "Apparently my wife does."
Dad: Son, what be a pirate’s favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby’s! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate’s favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate’s favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!
Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
What type of doctor works after hours?
An On-Call-ogist
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
whenever i ask someone what is LGBT
i never get a straight answer
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
He responded, “can’t complain.”
You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2
A friend of mine said to me the other day “What rhymes with Orange?”
I said "No it doesn't."
I think I suffer from Kleptomania
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant. “He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”. “What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!” “Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”
I once thanked a French man to death…
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
THE PIXEEELS
THE PIXEEELS
You know the thing about holy water
I don't see the use of water with holes
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date…
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
Today I met the underwater spy
His name was James Pond
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What disinfectant do geologists use?
Clo-rocks
I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens
Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
what do you call a canoe that’s 50% off?
A sale boat.
My son took some exams to become a pirate
He kept getting high C's
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."