A good number of my friends are racist.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
He says, "uno, dos…" poof … He disappeared without a tres.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Barney Rubble’s previous wife was very weak
Which might explain why she was called "Vulner".
Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..
Cop approaches the drivers door. "Is there a problem, Officer?" Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?" The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving." Cop is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." cop asks, "Why not?" "I stole this car." Cop says, "Stole it?" And she says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?" "he is in the trunk if you want to see." Cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The blonde steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" She asks. The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" Woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but spare tire and tools. The officer says, "Is this your car Ma'am?" and she answers, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." Then woman digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, Ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." Woman then replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you this was a repost, too!"
My wife tells me I should never steal kitchen utensils…
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!” officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician…
A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or youāre Geography! Teller: Donāt you mean History? Robber: Donāt change the subject!
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
Me: *wears camouflage*
Every Dad: Woah didnāt see ya there
How do you make somebody curious?
Iāll tell you tomorrow.
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
The Goose-Tapo
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, āGood morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?ā With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. āWait, ladies,ā cried the professor, āThe boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!ā
I skipped the gym today.
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
I shaved a hedgehog once
It was pointless
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
What do you call a big group of Germans?
Germany. I'm no dad but I'll get myself into shape for when the time comes .
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school
he went home and asked his mother, she said āa fool and his money are soon partedā he asked his father, he said āask and you shall receiveā he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, āwhere the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is provedā he went back to school, where he coincidentally was tasked to perform a bake sale. his teacher walked by and he chanced upon this opportunity to tell his teacher the three quotes, the teacher bought a cupcake and the boy said, āa fool and his money are soon partedā in rage, the teacher got angry and said, āi want to send you to the principals officeā he then replied, āask and you shall receiveā at the principals office, he was told by him that he will be punished if he does not stop such behaviour, the boy finally replied, āwhere the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is testedā much to everyoneās surprise the spanish inquisition arrived
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."

By your excuses combined, I have zero responsibility! Total authority is mine!
https://ift.tt/2VKNxUV
The Queen of England
The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
When llamas took over the world
the result was alpacalyptic
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
What movies are rated 3.1416 stars?
Pirated movies
I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in…
She really wanted a daughter…
What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies?
A well educated Barista
A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn
Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring thereās no harm in indulging him. The man brings out the hen from the back room. The innkeep explains that she only speaks Spanish, but he will translate. The man also speaks Spanish so they decide to have the contest in Spanish. They begin the trivia battle and the chicken wins decisively. The hen speaks perfectly Spanish and answers every question accurately. The man is blown away, a little disappointed not to get his wish but deciding that the novelty of a genius talking chicken was worth the time anyway. He tells in the innkeep about how he didnāt anticipate having such an interesting evening. The innkeeper laughs and says āNo one expects the Spanish Inn quiz wish hen.ā
Did you hear the one about Oedipus and Midas?
It was motherfucking gold.
A Winter War joke
A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!" The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence. After a few minutes, the voice shouts defiantly: "One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred Soviet soldiers!!" The general sends a hundred men to remove the nuisance, there is a racket of gunfire, and then quiet. The voice crys out loudly once more: "One Finnish soldier is better than a thousand Soviet soldiers!!" Enraged, the general sends a thousand men charging over the hilltop to shut up that voice once and for all, an epic battle rages, and then quiet. After a few minutes, a gravely wounded Soviet crawls back over the hill and crys: "It's a trap! There are two Finnish soldiers!!"